ISSUES: Bambi reports on clearcuts … and why fellow deer moved to town. Satire?

Annual Report on the Environment
N.B. Deer Association,
Charlotte Co. Division

Formerly of Piskahegan; Currently of an urban subdivision

With thanks to Disney

Fellow Deer:

This has been another challenging year, Monoculture plantations continue to destroy our habitat while herbicide spray creates medical issues but at least makes our livers unattractive to two-legged killers.

As you all know, vast clearcuts create killing fields, where coyotes, often crossbred with wolves, attack and kill us at will, especially our young. This has tended to keep us close to the protection of the deer yards. Only when desperate are we dashing from one to another hoping to make it. This year , however, has seen the widespread clearcutting of not only old, healthy mixed forest, but of the yards, as well, and the wetlands they often protect .. This has left us Iittle choice but to move to towns and coastal areas where at least there is food and some degree of safety.

Unfortunately, this has led to our being followed by coyotes, who while still a menace are perhaps a bit less so as they now vary their diet with cats, dogs and the occasional child, allowing a few more of our own cherished young to survive.

Of course, not everyone is thrilled with this. We have received complaints from the Ancient and Honourable Congregation of Cougars that our migration leaves them without their usual dietary preference, and that coyote, even when fresh, is no decent substitute for deer meat. They say they abhor suburban lifestyles, but are willing to visit occasionally to strike up old acquaintances and to maybe even try some alternative fare, both quadripedal and bipedal. We of course welcome this suggestion with less then exuberant enthusiasm and hope that they find alternative foodstuffs both satisfying and slower on their feet.

While things may look bleak in our old homeland, at least we have found some compensations. We can no longer safely browse the poisoned clearcuts, but we have found new hope in lettuce, carrots, green beans and tulips. 

This report duly submitted on the eleventeenth of Novembruary, 2012.

Bambi J. Deerburger

Submitted by Dave Stevens, 2015

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